Resource: Brene Brown on Vulnerability, Shame and Intimacy

At the end of my previous post, I wrote that I hoped my sharing some thoughts and feelings that don't ordinarily see the light of day might help others. I know that sharing feelings helps me. As the 12 Steps saying has it, a burden shared is half a burden.

This morning I found a web site (Spirituality and Health Magazine) I've not seen before. I'll study it for a while and then get back here with thoughts and ideas about it, but for today I want to link you the article that caught my eye.

It's an amazing interview with more than enough to reflect upon and learn from to justify its own set of posts. But those will come later. To whet your appetite, here is a quote that comes early in the interview. And it just gets better.

 "There are two things they [those who Brown calls 'wholehearted'] shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness -- they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us."

Here is the link to the interview:

 Brene Brown: How Vulnerability Holds the Key to Emotional Intimacy

There are two things they shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness—they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us. - See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy#sthash.pony2ys6.dpuf

Thank you for reading my blog. You can comment below or email me at carold.marsh@gmail.com.

There are two things they shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness—they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us. - See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy#sthash.pony2ys6.dpuf

There are two things they shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness—they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us. - See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy#sthash.pony2ys6.dpuf

There are two things they shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness—they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us. - See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy#sthash.pony2ys6.dpuf

There are two things they shared in common. The first is a sense of worthiness—they engage in the world, with the world, from a place of worthiness. Second, they make choices every day in their life, choices that almost feel subversive in our culture. They are mindful about things like rest and play. They cultivate creativity, they practice self-compassion. They have an understanding of the importance of vulnerability and the perception of vulnerability as courage. They show up in their lives in a very open way that I think scares most of us. - See more at: http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/bren%C3%A9-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy#sthash.pony2ys6.dpuf

Reading Mariechild Together: Give From A Sacred Space

A tantra is a saying that embodies profound and sacred matters and so brings liberation; another meaning is as a body of teachings, a spiritual science. It can also mean all of the practices and wisdom found in the tantric scripture. The word itself is a Western construct that explains Eastern spirituality to Westerners; as such, it is associated with the Hindu religion.

The verse for today in Mariechild's Open Mind -- Women's Daily Inspirations for Becoming Mindful, is called a tantra. It's a wisdom saying from the East, from Hinduism.

It reminds me somewhat of the Old Testament sayings about women in Proverbs 31. Strength and Splendor are her clothing and smilingly she awaits her last day. She opens her mouth with Wisdom and the teaching of Kindness is on her tongue.

When we women read such passages, do we believe them?

My fear is that, for most of us, we do not -- not inside our hearts, not at the core of our being.

We have heard too much for too long about how we are less worthy than men; how our essentially feminine characteristics and inclinations and intuitions are sources of weakness and dependency at best, savage excuses for our oppression and abuse at worst.

If, without overweening pride or self-absorbed egoism, we truly believed and lived into and made tantras of these sayings, what would we be like? What would the world be like?

There is no jewel rarer than woman.

She girds her loins with might and strengthens her arms.

In woman is the form of all things.

 

How can we touch each other, my sisters?

We keep our tenderness alive and the nourishment of the earth green.

 

Look at me

I am not a separate
woman
I am a continuance
of blue sky...
A night wind woman...



What would we be like?

What would the world be like?


I would love to hear from you. Please click on Comment, below, or email me at carold.marsh@gmail.com.

Reading Mariechild Together: Self-Responsibility

Learning to own responsibility for everything that happens to us is fraught with difficulty if we have internalized shame and blame. Many of us were shamed and blamed as punishment when we were children; we also used them to avoid punishment, or at least to get the punishment aimed at someone else. There is also a good deal of shame and blame in Biblical stories: Eve is blamed for offering the apple to Adam, and therein lie the seeds of ages-old doctrines that make women both culprit and embodiment of sin. Similarly, the Christian concept of "original sin" is and has been used to make us feel shamed -- the other phrase used is "hereditary stain" -- from before our birth.

These concepts are terribly destructive to our self-esteem. They stand in the way of  our learning how to take responsibility for our lives and our actions because we were taught that if we were responsible for a problem or an accident, we were bad and we deserved to be punished. And so we found ways to avoid responsibility.

But what Diane Mariechild says (in "Open Mind -- Women's Daily Inspirations for Becoming Mindful") is this:

"The development of self-responsibility without blame, either for self or others, leads to the lessening of attachment to the goodness or badness of a situation. We look to each situation in a less personal way. When the attachment is lessened energy is released."

The energy released when we de-personalize our life circumstances and events allows us to step away from the tangled mess of the shame we feel for ourselves or assign to others. It obviates the need to point out blame.

Perhaps it is the same energy, but employed instead for positive, self-affirming practices. Once we have turned away from the darkness of our emotional response and personal attachment, we no longer say, "It's her fault!" or "I am a terrible person for doing that." We say "What can I learn from this?" and "How can I grow?"

The energy is freed to be used in the service of self-knowledge and wisdom.

"We begin to see what we can change and what we cannot change and we develop the wisdom to tell the difference." Surely, Mariechild is purposefully echoing the prayer we know from the 12-Step programs, but which was first prayed by Rheinhold Niebuhr.

It seems to me there are three things Mariechild is recommending:
    that we release ourselves from learned habits of feeling shame and assigning blame;
    that we pray for the wisdom to understand what is in our power to change and what is not;
    that we bolster these new practices with a daily habit of meditation.

It is freedom we are talking about: freedom from the incessantly negative and blaming voices in our heads; freedom from searching outside ourselves for that which makes us victims; freedom from the binding chains of low self-esteem and suspicious thoughts. Mariechild says this freedom is about respect for all living beings.

Which, we have heard many times but cannot hear too often, can only be part of our world-view when we have first learned to be respectful of ourselves.


I would love to hear from you. Please click on Comment below, or email me at carold.marsh@gmail.com. Thank you.

Reading Mariechild Together: Abundance

I had lunch with my dear friend David Hilfiker yesterday. We talked about his recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's Disease and the blog he has created: Watching The Lights Go Out: A Memoir From Inside Alzheimer's Disease. David is embracing what is happening in a way that is inspiring and, strangely, comforting; he is not depressed or upset about it; he views it as freeing him from expectations and obligations with which he burdened himself for all of his life.

And then I read Mariechild's reflection for today, February 9 -- "Women's Abundance." She says

"...we can each find a ritual that reminds us of the power of the bleeding time...Try placing a single red flower on your altar or desk during your bleeding time."

But I am past my bleeding time, and I imagine that many women reading this are also. How do we relate to this reflection?

I do have two thoughts.

One is that David's attitude toward Alzheimer's is instructive. I sense abundance in many things about him now: in his new-found ability for vulnerability with me and with others; in his joy at the ways the disease has freed him; in his learning to set aside the life-long assurance of possessing an amazing intellect in order to simply be with what is happening.

He teaches us that losing one expression of abundance does not mean we have lost all expression of abundance.  

My second thought relates to my chronic pain. I am on disability. I can no longer do the work I love. I am not productive in the way we generally think of production: some days I barely get off the bed (I do insist on getting dressed; spending the day in pajamas is really too depressing and besides, I have a little dog). I have grown to accept these facts of my life. Acceptance has led to peace that is increasingly overlaid with a simple joy and which stays with me until I allow the doubts to assail me. What am I doing with my life? When will I get well and DO something? I contribute nothing to the world.

I had one of those moments this week, and I shared about it with David. He reminded me that when I worked with very vulnerable women (homeless women living with AIDS), I never considered them to be doing nothing or not contributing. He said that I would never think that way about them so why think that way about myself?

And so today the peaceful feeling I love, with its joy in what is, has returned to me. And I know that the abundance is in myself and in my loved ones, and in us all, regardless of our condition.

May we all find our own abundance, and may we set it free.


I would love to hear from you. Please click on Comment below, or email me at carold.marsh@gmail.com. Thank you.

Reading Mariechild Together: Do WHAT?

Oh, dear. I have no idea how to write about our January 7 entry in Mariechild's book, "Open Mind -- Women's Daily Inspirations for Becoming Mindful."

I have never been able to look in the mirror and say affirmations. So I decided to call someone dear to me to ask if she could write this post. She is, after all, a successful business woman and talented artist who must surely find mirror affirmations natural and easy. But when I picked up my phone, there was a text message from this very woman telling me how challenging she found today's reading. She wrote, "When I look in the mirror, all I see is flaws."

I suspect this is the plight of many of us women. Am I right?

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

Can you say affirmations?



I would love to hear from you -- start a conversation, or join one. Use the Comment box below, or email me at carold.marsh@gmail.com. Thank you.